Secrets
by ProcrastinationQueen
Summary: AU that begins during Trial and Error and will continue through the end of season 2, possibly longer. Adam and Joan are each trying to hide a relationship from the ones they love, but secrets like this are hard to keep.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: As always, I'm just borrowing.

Note: I haven't posted anything in a really long time. Anybody miss me? My little JoA marathon over the holiday break kind of influenced meto comeback.

Anyway, I've often wondered what would have happened if Joan hadn't found out about Bonnie in Trial and Error. I kind of got the inspiration for this from the movie _Sliding Doors_, in which there are two storylines based on whether or not the main character makes her train. So, I'm beginning this story by altering the hallway scene, and we'll see where it goes from there. But I don't want this story to be entirely about Adam's affair with Bonnie. Joan has a secret relationship of her own, with God, and that will definitely factor in as the story continues.

* * *

Joan, Adam, and Grace are standing around the refreshment table during a break in the mock trial, talking and eating. Adam happened to look up and saw Bonnie walking towards them, with her eyes trained on him. She looked like she was about to confront him right then and there in front of Joan, and he panicked. He did the only thing he could think of – he suddenly grabbed Joan into his arms and kissed her like he had the previous night at the bookstore. When she recovered from her initial shock and pulled away slightly in surprise, he saw Bonnie standing nearby out of the corner of his eye, so he pulled Joan closer and kissed her again, longer and deeper than before. He nearly released a sigh of relief when Joan relaxed into the kiss and he noticed Bonnie turn and retreat the way she had come.

Grace really did exhale forcefully in relief when Bonnie walked away. Normally, a PDA like she was currently witnessing would have made her want to hurl, but right now she was incredibly grateful for it. She had noticed Bonnie approach at about the same time Adam did and she felt her heart skip a beat, thinking everything was about to go to hell. Adam's quick reaction had prevented World War Three. At least for today.

Needing air, Adam and Joan finally broke apart.

"Wow. Where did that come from?" Joan asked breathlessly. "Are you trying to soften me up so I'll go easy on you in my cross examination or something?"

"Yeah", Adam replied. It was definitely the "or something" he thought.

At that moment, the bailiff entered the hall and announced that court was back in session.

"Well, that kiss won't get you anywhere on the witness stand, mister." Joan leaned in to whisper in his ear, "But it might later." She winked at him before heading back into the "courtroom".

"Dude."

Adam turned to Grace, but didn't say anything.

"That was really close Rove. I thought you said things were over?"

"They are."

"Does Bonnie know that? You might wanna make sure, because you might not be so lucky the next time."

Grace headed back to the classroom, and Adam followed slowly.

Joan hadn't been kidding when she said that the prosecution was locked and loaded. She had come up with a pretty convincing case against "Jack" and was relentless in her cross examination. It didn't help Adam that he was distracted from the event that had just occurred in the hall, but Joan was so well prepared that it might not have mattered if he had been fully on the ball. Grace's objections were overruled one by one, and in the end, Jack was convicted by the jury.

"I told you that you were guilty!" Joan gloated to Adam after the verdict was read.

"_You have no idea_", Adam thought, but he just nodded his head in response.

"I'm impressed, Joan", Luke said. "You put together a sound, logical case. I didn't know you had it in you. Maybe we do have more in common than DNA."

Joan gave her brother a light shove at that remark, but smiled. "Thanks, dork. But don't you wish now that you'd worked with me instead of Grace? Then you could have been on the winning side."

Grace had gathered up her notes and came to stand near Luke. "Careful how you answer that. A wrong answer might result in certain privileges of yours getting revoked."

Luke's eyes went wide and he opened and closed his mouth a couple of times while trying to formulate an appropriate response.

"Don't hurt yourself, dude. Come on, let's go get some coffee." Grace then led Luke from the room.

Joan laughed as she watched them go. "He is _so_ whipped."

"Unchallenged", Adam replied, with a chuckle of his own as he and Joan walked into the hallway.

"Well now, my little felon, if you're not too upset with me for nailing your ass to the wall in there, you wanna go get some coffee or something too?"

"Sure", Adam replied. He was all too eager to get out of the building, in case Bonnie was still there somewhere.

Joan took his hand and smiled at him, sweetly oblivious. The verdict from a few minutes ago echoed through his mind as they walked out of the school and into the spring evening. _Guilty, guilty, guilty, …_

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: This chapter was much harder to write than I thought it would be. Parts of it, especially Grace and Adam's conversation at the end, have undergone several revisions, and I'm still not sure I have it right. I always love feedback, but I think I really need it here.

* * *

The night after the mock trial was a rough one for Adam. Joan had been exuberant after her victory, and Adam was happy for her and proud of her. She had worked hard in developing her case and had done a terrific job as prosecutor. But he also felt sick inside and tormented. This beautiful, wonderful girl who smiled adoringly at him had no idea that he was every bit as guilty as Jack, if not more so. The more she teased him about it, the worse he felt. She eventually realized something was wrong, but when she questioned him, he'd claimed a slight headache, an explanation she accepted without question. At least it wasn't a total lie, since his head really was hurting. He went home early, telling her he needed to make sure he got plenty of rest so he would be ready to take her out the following night for their anniversary. 

Unfortunately, rest didn't come easy. He kept going back to how close he had come to losing everything that day. Even his sleep was haunted. He dreamt that he and Joan were out for their anniversary and Bonnie showed up and told Jane everything. The scene then morphed into a courtroom and what seemed to be his sentencing hearing for killing the giant. But instead of hearing the words "life without parole", the sentence was "life without Jane". He really couldn't get back to sleep after that.

Adam lay in bed and continued to think about their anniversary. They had planned on going to Spumoni for dinner and then to the Unurban for coffee and dessert. But after Bonnie showing up in the hallway and his dreams, Adam wasn't so sure that that was a good idea. He really didn't think there was much of a chance of running into her, but he was feeling paranoid, especially when he remembered seeing an Unurban coffee mug in Bonnie's room.

He went downstairs after tossing and turning for a few more hours and when he saw his father reading the paper, he got an idea. One of his uncles was a manager at a restaurant in Baltimore, and he knew he wouldn't have to worry about seeing Bonnie there. After one phone call to his uncle to get a last minute reservation (fortunately they had some open seatings left) and another to Jane asking if she'd mind a slight change in plans, he felt his paranoia lessen. He wanted tonight to be perfect, and it wouldn't be if he was a nervous wreck the whole time. In a way, tonight could be a new start for him and Jane. He tried to convince himself that he could make it all up to her, and that she never needed to find out what had happened.

* * *

After spending much of the day cleaning for God only knew what reason, Joan waited for Adam on her porch as he requested. She was a bit confused by that request, as well as the sudden change in dinner plans, but she figured he had a good reason. She was still wondering what was up when Adam pulled up in his dad's truck promptly at 6:15. She smiled when she saw him, and was pleasantly surprised at his appearance. His usual jeans and hoodie had been replaced by a nice pair of khaki pants and a dark green sweater. He approached the porch steps almost shyly. "Hey." 

"Hey."

"Can I sit?"

Joan smiled again when she realized what he was doing. "Sure", she replied. Both of them sat down in the same spots they had a year ago, and he placed his hand gently on her back as they slowly leaned in for a kiss.

"Happy Anniversary", he said once their lips parted. "I have something for you." He handed her a small box. Joan opened it to find a silver bracelet with a single charm hanging from it. It was a small heart that Adam had clearly made himself.

"It's beautiful, Adam."

Adam put the bracelet on her wrist. "I'll give you a new charm for it every year. This one is so you'll always know that you have my heart."

Joan became teary and gave him a gentle kiss in response. She looked at him for a moment. "You look very handsome."

Adam blushed a bit. "Really? Thanks."

"I like your sweater. Green's my favorite color,"

"I know."

They smiled warmly at each other for a long moment, and after Joan poked her head in the door to let her parents know they were leaving, they were on their way.

Adam was very happy he'd gotten the idea to go to Baltimore. The restaurant, while not as fancy as La Cachette, was very nice and the food was great. More importantly, since he didn't constantly feel the need to look over his shoulder, he was able to relax somewhat and enjoy being with Jane. For tonight, he was determined to put the mess his life had become out of his mind. Over dinner and dessert, they talked about little things and laughed over some of the stuff from their past year together. It was a beautiful spring evening, so after dinner they walked along the harbor and continued their lighthearted conversations. After awhile they found a bench, and they sat close together looking out over the water. Adam turned to look at her. After a few moments, Joan noticed he was staring at her.

"What is it?"

"You look so pretty. I don't know if I told you that yet tonight."

"You did. When we left my house and at dinner."

"Oh."

"But I don't mind hearing it again." She smiled up at him.

Adam couldn't take his eyes off of her. The lights from the harbor softly illuminated her skin, and she almost seemed to be glowing. He leaned toward her and kissed her. It was meant to be a short kiss, but once her lips parted and his tongue touched hers, he wasn't about to go anywhere. The kiss deepened, but it still somehow stayed soft and gentle. When they finally broke apart an unknown amount of time later, Joan had a slightly dazed expression on her face that he was sure was mirrored on his own. He pulled her close, and they sat in a rare, comfortable silence for awhile until he felt her shiver. The wind had picked up and the temperature had dropped a bit, and since neither one had remembered to bring a coat, they decided to head for home. She kept her hand in his the entire time.

She was still holding his hand later, as she curled into his side when they were watching a movie on her couch. His conscience nagged at him when she told him how wonderful he was. He knew he wasn't, but he made a silent promise to her to try to be wonderful from now on.

* * *

Joan arrived at school Monday morning to find a lily taped to her locker door. Adam walked up behind her as she removed the flower and gave her a kiss on the cheek. 

"Hmm, seems I have a secret admirer", she said to him as she gave him a kiss too.

"Maybe not so secret. But he is crazy about you."

She turned in his arms and kissed him again, on the lips this time.

Grace had rolled her eyes at the exchange, but had to leave once the face sucking started. "I gotta go. I think I'm going to revisit my breakfast."

"I don't see what her issue is", Joan said as she and Adam pulled apart. "It's not like she and Luke don't kiss with an audience. Of course, they're all preserved in formaldehyde. Anyway, I've gotta go too. I need to return some stuff to Tuchman."

"Ok. Meet me on the roof at lunch?"

"Sure." After another kiss, she headed down the hallway.

Adam sighed. Things went so well this weekend and this morning. If only Bonnie would just stay away, Adam was convinced everything would be just fine.

And everything did go just fine until Wednesday. There had been no sign of Bonnie early in the week, and Adam had begun to hope maybe she was avoiding him too. That morning he presented Joan with a new sculpture, one with an array of the sun, moon, and stars reminiscent of the blanket she'd had around her that night a year ago. It was meant as an anniversary present, he'd said, but he hadn't been able to finish it on time because of the extra time he'd been spending at work. He cringed inwardly at the lie, but she didn't seem to notice. She was too busy admiring her gift. He suddenly felt a sharp jab from behind and turned to look at Grace, wondering if she'd caught the lie, but she was looking down the hall. He followed her line of sight and noticed Bonnie coming toward them and it was last week all over again. He quickly looked back at Joan, who hadn't seen Bonnie yet.

"I love this, Adam." She beamed up at him.

"And I love you." At least that wasn't a lie, he thought to himself as he pulled her to him and kissed her. He vaguely noticed that Grace had moved behind them and was standing almost as a shield. Bonnie hesitated slightly, but continued walking down the hall.

Grace felt sick, and not just from the tonsil hockey going on right next to her, although that was nauseating. Adam clearly hadn't talked to Bonnie, or if he had it didn't go well, and she was convinced it was a matter of time before things fell apart for Adam, Joan, and herself as well. And Joan had been so happy lately. Grace couldn't remember when she'd seen her this happy. It certainly hadn't been this year. She'd never say so, but she was almost glad Joan was so sickeningly happy for a change. She really cared about her and hated the idea of seeing her hurt again, and this might be nearly as devastating a blow as Judith's death had been. She had seemed to recover from that, but then, she'd had Adam to help her. How would she pick up the pieces from this? God only knew how she would react if she found out Grace had known about everything since before the trial. And what would Luke say? If either of them ever asked her, she couldn't lie. God, she could lose them both over this. Not for the first time, she silently cursed Adam. She wished she didn't know anything about his "special project". Why did he have to tell her and put her in this position? More importantly, why in the hell couldn't he have just kept it in his pants? Then there wouldn't be a situation at all.

* * *

For the next couple days, Adam was tense and on edge, constantly worried that his life was one second away from falling apart. He knew he had to talk to Bonnie but was trying to avoid it, and he was trying to keep up a front for Jane so she wouldn't notice anything was wrong. He felt like he was being eaten up inside and wondered whether or not 17 year old kids could get ulcers. 

To make matters worse, there were the rumors about Mr. Tuchman and a couple of female students, including Jane. He didn't understand why Jane was getting herself involved with this, and his concern for her just added to his worries. He tried to talk to her about it, but as usual, she was less than forthcoming. He even uncharacteristically confronted her when she told him she was going to Tuchman's house to try to help.

"Jane, what are you doing, going to see him? There are all these rumors about him and Chelsea. And you."

"You don't actually think that stuff's true do you? She's crazy."

"But this kind of thing happens all the time, teachers taking advantage of students, and –"

"Whoa. Do you actually think anything's going on? That I would do something like that?"

"No, no. Of course not. It's just… I'm worried about you. I don't want anything bad to happen to you. I don't want to see you get hurt."

"Adam, it's fine. I'll be fine. There's nothing to worry about. It's all just a big misunderstanding."

"Why are you doing this?

"He has a mess. I have to help clean it up."

"Why? Why does it have to be you?"

"It just, it just does, ok? Look, I've gotta go. I'll call you later." After giving him a kiss on the cheek, she headed off down the hall.

Adam stood and watched her go, sad and frustrated.

* * *

Grace walked out of school on Friday just in time to notice Bonnie walk away from Adam. She went over to him, and they began to walk together toward their homes. "I thought you told Girardi you had work." 

"I talked to Bonnie."

"So I saw."

"It's all over now. And she said she wouldn't say anything to Jane."

"And you believe that?"

"Yeah."

Grace didn't say anything, but sighed heavily.

"What?"

"Is it really over, Rove?"

"I just told you. I talked to her and it's done."

"And how do you know that for sure? Sure, Bonnie said she'd keep her mouth shut, but you have no guarantee of that. And Girardi knows there's something going on with you anyway. You haven't been acting like yourself, and she's noticed."

"What? How do you know that?"

"She just said you seemed more stressed than usual. But you've been distracting her with all the anniversary crap and drooling all over her, so she hasn't focused on it too much. But you know her. If she thinks something's wrong, she's going to dig and dig until she finds out what it is in her quest to "fix" it."

"She's not going to find out."

Grace scoffed. "This isn't the kind of thing that just disappears. And you might have a photographic memory, but even you could lose track of which lie you told when."

"What am I supposed to do, tell her? I can't do that. You and I both know what will happen if I do. I could lose her."

"And what do you think will happen if she finds out later? Not only will you have cheated on her, but you'll have lied to her for months on top of it. One's going to hurt as much as the other."

"I just can't."

"Look, normally I'd stay out of this mess, but you stuck me right in the middle of it. So, here's what I know – if you're not honest with her, it's not going to work. No matter how many presents you give her or how much you two make out. This secret of yours is going to hang over you until everything blows up. I don't want to see the nuclear meltdown that will happen, but you need to stop lying to her and then pray she can forgive you."

Adam suddenly became angry. "What about her secrets, huh? She doesn't exactly let me in either. There's all this stuff going on with her that she won't talk about. I'm supposed to be honest, but not her?"

Grace was startled at his sudden shift in mood. "Whoa, wait. Is that all this is really about? You're pissed off that she keeps stuff from you so you had to go and manufacture something to keep from her as payback?"

"No. I don't know. I wasn't really thinking 'payback'. I – I, She's all clingy with me, but she never lets me get close to her. Not really. I just didn't know what to do anymore. I still don't. I just know I don't want to lose her."

"Well, figure it out, Rove. And soon."

TBC...


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: ** Sorry I haven't updated this in awhile - I haven't had much time to write. What I'd intended for this chapter went out of control, so I'm splitting this up and posting this part for now. Hopefully it won't take me two months to post the next part, but it's almost there.

* * *

Adam walked out of the design studio in shock, with Michael's words ringing in his ears. _"I'm sorry that it's come to this Adam, but I'm going to have to let you go."_ Fired. He'd been fired. Of all the things Michael could have said to him, this was something he never in a million years expected. He walked down the sidewalk in almost a trance as he tried to wrap his mind around this. How had this happened? He tried to ignore the little voice in his head that told him he knew very well how this had happened. He'd been calling off work, or coming in late, for the past month. And he'd been distracted when he had been there. He thought he'd been covering and doing an ok job, but apparently not. He also had to face questions of what he was going to do now. He needed a job desperately. His dad had gone back to work some time ago, but only part time, and they really needed the money. He could get another job, somewhere, but how was he going to explain this to his dad? He couldn't have Jane finding out either, because that would lead to more questions that he didn't want to face. Maybe he could get another job quickly, and he wouldn't need to tell anyone, at least until he could come up with a believable explanation. Adam's head began to hurt as he thought about his situation. This was just one more thing that was spiraling out of control. Everything was a mess. He needed to talk to someone, and he found himself heading toward Grace's house. Grace could help him.

Grace was surprised to find Adam on her porch when she opened the door. "Dude, what are you doing here? Lying to Girardi about being at work again?"

Adam didn't say anything, but just looked down at his feet.

Grace noticed he looked pale and upset. "Rove, what's going on?"

"I got fired."

"What?"

"I got fired. I don't know what to do now."

"Why? I mean, did you get a reason?"

"Michael said I've been coming in late, and my work's been bad for the last month or so."

"The last month? You mean the time frame when you were cheating on your girlfriend?"

Adam was a bit taken aback by Grace's tone and her statement, but he forged ahead anyway. "Yeah. Listen, I need your help. I need you to cover for me, at least until I can get something else."

"What do you mean, 'cover for you'?"

"I don't want Jane to find out. If she asks you – "

Grace couldn't believe what he was asking her to do. "Oh, no. I'm not going to help you with this one. You lost your job because you were too busy screwing Bonnie and lying to cover your ass with Girardi. You got yourself into this mess, and you're going to have to figure out how to deal with it on your own."

"Grace, please. Just – "

"No. I'm not going to lie for you. It's bad enough that I stand there and listen to you lie to Girardi day after day. She doesn't deserve that, no matter what you think she's done to you. And neither do I. God, I hate being in the middle like this."

"I'm sorry."

Grace continued as if he hadn't spoken. "It's not just you that's in deep shit with this, you know? Once Girardi finds out, she's going to be almost as mad at me as she will be at you because I knew but didn't tell her. And Luke's going to side with his sister. You know how protective he is of her. You and I, we're going to wind up right back where we were two years ago."

Adam couldn't remember a time when Grace had seemed this angry with him. He almost couldn't believe she was yelling at him, but he also recognized the truth in her words. "I'm sorry, Grace. I really am. For everything. I never meant for things to turn out like this. I'll figure something out, ok?" He didn't wait for a response before pulling the hood of his sweatshirt over his head and walking away.

* * *

If Adam had thought his life had been difficult before, it was nothing compared to what it was now. The days after he was fired were pure hell. He spent his time at school desperately trying to pretend everything was ok. His afternoons were spent job hunting, and his evenings consisted of him hiding out in his shed or just out walking, trying to avoid hid dad and Joan as much as possible without it seeming too obvious. It didn't make things any easier when Joan expressed her concern that she thought he was working too hard. The only thing he could think of to respond with was yet another lie. He felt a little sicker and a little more guilty with each one, and it was getting to the point he thought he was going to need to start a journal or something to keep all of his stories straight. Even his latest gift to Joan, a drawing he created with the airbrush pen she had given him, felt like a lie. He was hoping with everything he had that his gestures of affection would distract her enough that her concern wouldn't move toward suspicion, but he still didn't know how long he was going to be able to keep this up as each day was more of a struggle to hold it together.

By Saturday, Adam was wound up so tight he was ready to snap. Desperately needing some time and space to think things through, he borrowed his father's truck and drove to Mount Nashman. Maybe some fresh air and a hike could help him clear his head enough to figure some things out.

Adam parked the truck and was relieved to notice the small parking lot was otherwise empty. He looked forward to the solitude. As he started walking up the trail, his mind was filled with the things that were wrong in his life, which seemed like pretty much everything. Even his relationship with Joan, which he'd considered one of the best things that had ever happened to him, was now counted among the bad things in some ways. Her distance from him since the summer, and his inability to get closer to her had led up to this mess, at least partially. But Adam felt guilty placing any blame on her for this mess. He should have tried harder, or been more patient, or something. The past year had been so hard for her, with the Lyme Disease, Judith's death, and the lawsuit. Sleeping with Bonnie hadn't helped relieve the stress like he thought it might. Thinking about that made him feel more guilty, not only because he was finally admitting he had done it partly to get back at Joan for not sleeping with him, but because he'd treated Bonnie like a whore. Joan loved him, and Bonnie had cared about him, too, but he'd been so awful to both. How could he have ever thought it was "just sex"? It was so, so much more than that. It had started off with one lie, one indiscretion, and that snowballed out of control into the mess he was going through now. He'd hurt Bonnie, himself, and his Jane, even though she didn't yet know it. The thought of losing her hurt so much.

Adam was so wrapped up in is pain that he didn't realize how much time had gone by, or how far he'd gone. A sudden flash of lightning and crash of thunder jolted him back into the present. He turned around and started to hurry back down the trail, but the sky suddenly opened into a downpour, making it difficult for him to see where he was going. He tried to keep going for a bit, but soon realized he needed to find some type of shelter to wait out the storm under. A couple flashes of lightning lit the area enough for him to notice some indentations in the rock that looked deep enough for him to fit into. Soaked and shivering, he huddled out of the rain and hoped the storm would pass quickly.

* * *

Grace hurried toward Joan's house with her stomach churning and filled with dread. After the call from Mr. Rove that Adam hadn't come home, she couldn't help wondering if maybe Adam had done something to himself. This whole mess with Bonnie, and then losing his job, had left him as depressed as she'd seen him since his mother died. She couldn't help but feel she'd contributed to it too, with snapping at him and refusing to help him out with Joan after he'd been fired. She'd been upset, and her mom had been wasted yet again, and she had just reached the point where she didn't want to deal with anyone else's crap at the time. "Please let him be here. Please", she thought to herself as she ran up the steps on the Girardis' porch.

TBC...


	4. Chapter 4

After making the drive to Mt. Nashman, and finding Adam's truck, there was nothing anyone could do because of the weather but wait out the storm at the ranger station. The station was filled with a tense silence, broken only by the crackling of the fire and occasionally by the low murmuring voices of Will and the rangers. Joan and Grace sat by the fire, but they didn't speak. Grace had tried unsuccessfully to reach Luke and now sat stiffly in her chair, barely realizing she was gripping the arms tightly. Joan was sitting in the chair next to her, shaking slightly despite the heat from the fire. She had abandoned her knitting and was nervously biting her nails down to the quick. She didn't know how much more of this waiting she could take and suddenly stood and started pacing in front of the fireplace. Will noticed and walked over to his daughter, who looked up and addressed him as he approached.

"Dad, you have to do something. We can't just sit here while he's out there."

"Honey, I already told you. It's raining too hard for the search teams and helicopters."

"No. You have to find him," Joan protested, becoming more and more upset.

'Sweetie – "

"I can't lose him, Daddy. I already lost Judith. I can't lose him, too. I won't make it." She dissolved into tears at this point, and Will took her into his arms. After a minute, one of the rangers called for Will. He guided Joan back to the chair she had been sitting in, and turned to Grace. "Will you sit with her?"

"Sure."

As Grace moved closer to a now sobbing Joan, she felt so helpless. And guilty. Mr. Girardi and the park rangers were trying to settle on the best strategy to find what they thought was simply a lost hiker. But what if they were looking for someone who didn't want to be found? Grace knew that Adam's fear of losing Joan could very well have sent him over the edge. What if he had come up here to kill himself? Would she be betraying her friend totally if she told them what she knew? Or would she be jeopardizing his life if she remained silent? Even as she considered the options, she knew she didn't have much of a choice. She'd never forgive herself if anything had happened and she'd said nothing. She got up and slowly approached the group of men.

"Mr. Girardi?"

"Grace? Why don't you go back and sit with Joan. We're going to do everything we can", Will told her.

"I know, but, uh, there's something you should know."

"What is it?"

"He got fired from his job this week."

"What?" Mr. Rove asked, shocked.

"Yeah. He asked me not to say anything, until he had time to find another job."

"Was he very upset by this? What did he say?"

"Yeah, he was, but I didn't want to talk to him."

"Why?"

"I had some stuff going on at home, and I was pissed that he wanted me to help him lie."

Noticing the conversation, Joan walked over. "What's going on?"

Will turned to his daughter. "Honey, why didn't you tell me Adam had lost his job?"

"What are you talking about?"

"He didn't tell you?"

"No."

"Grace, do you think he was upset enough to harm himself?"

"I, I don't know. Maybe. He was pretty depressed."

"Oh God. Oh my God", Joan moaned, her head in her hands.

"Is there anything else we should know, Grace?"

Grace felt trapped. Should she spill the rest too? Maybe she didn't need to say anything about him and Bonnie. They were already alerted to the possibility of suicide. And Joan looked like she was going to completely lose it at any second. Grace shook her head and they seemed to accept her response and went out with a renewed sense of purpose. She wished she could feel relieved.

* * *

As Adam huddled under the overhanging rock and brush, he was startled to see another figure move close. "Hey!" 

"Hey!" the figure responded as he stumbled for the shelter himself. "You got stuck out here too, huh?"

"Yeah."

The two sat silently for a time. "My name's Ryan", the other man volunteered.

"Adam."

"So, what are you doing out here, Adam?"

"Just needed some time to myself."

"Trouble at home?"

"No"

"School?"

"No."

"Ah. Well then, what's her name?"

"Joan."

When Adam didn't say anything more, Ryan continued, "She dump you?"

"No. Not yet, anyway."

"Why do you think that?"

Adam sighed. He didn't really want to talk about it, but at the same time, he did. "I cheated on her. I haven't told her yet."

"Well, do you need to? Unless you are in love with the other girl?"

"No. She didn't mean anything. I love Joan, and I don't want to lose her."

"Then why'd you cheat?"

"I don't know. A lot of reasons, I guess. I wasn't looking to do it. This other girl was just there, and I felt like I needed it."

"Oh, I see. Not enough sugar at home?"

"I don't know. Maybe. But I wish I hadn't done it. I wish I could take it back."

"Hey, a guy's got needs. Don't feel bad about that. Are you still seeing the other girl?"

"No. It's over."

"Well, then. If it's over and done with, your girlfriend doesn't ever need to know."

"But -"

"But nothing. It'll just make things worse for you. And it will just hurt her. You don't want to break her heart, do you?"

"No, but I just lost my job because I was taking too much time off because of this. She's going to know something's up. I tried to find another job this week, but…"

"Well, maybe I can help with that. I have a number of business enterprises. Maybe I can find something for you."

"You'd do that?"

"Sure. You seem like a good kid. You just made a mistake. Who hasn't? Hey, what do you say we try to see if we can get out of here? I think I might be able to get us down the mountain in one piece."

* * *

Joan was pacing in front of the fire, freaking out. "Why would he do this, Grace? Why didn't he tell me what was going on? And why didn't you tell me?" 

"He asked me not to."

"But _why_?"

Grace paused, trying to figure out the best way to answer this. "He didn't want anyone to know. You'd have to ask him about his reasons."

"He could have told me. I'm his girlfriend. We're supposed to be able to talk about stuff."

"And you're always so forthcoming."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, it's like there's always something you're hiding."

"What are you talking about?"

"All the insane things you do, the clubs you have to join, you never really let anyone in on all that... not really. You just want us to go along with it."

"So I like to try stuff."

"Like knitting? What's that all about?"

"Somebody suggested it."

"Who?"

"What difference does it make? And what does this have to do with Adam? Are you trying to tell me this is my fault somehow? That I did something to cause this?"

The tension was getting to Grace, and she snapped, "Newsflash, Girardi: not everything is about you."

Joan stared at Grace, looking like she'd been slapped.

Grace sighed. "Look, I'm sorry, ok? I didn't mean to say that. And I'm not blaming you for him being out there. That was his dumb decision. I was just trying to ask how you expect him to tell you stuff when you won't do the same? People who keep secrets, Girardi... I've been there. It keeps people away."

Grace's words hit just a little too close to home for Joan. This was the very thing that she had feared, that her relationship with God would isolate her from those she loved most. The room, which had felt cold to her only moments before, was now stifling hot. "I hate this. It's too stuffy in here." She grabbed her knitting and her coat and fled to the porch for some much needed air.

She had barely sat down when Ranger God came up to her. She found their conversation to be even more cryptic than normal, and it infuriated her. What was the new trial she'd have to face? Hadn't she had to deal with enough in the last year? She didn't feel she had been exaggerating when she'd told her father that she wouldn't make it if she lost Adam. If God had been telling her to hold onto her connection with Adam because it was all she would have left, she thought she might really be headed for the funny farm again. God said she had gained strength, but right now she didn't feel strong at all. She felt she could unravel like the yarn at her feet. But his statement that she could share Him with whoever she wanted, as well as Grace's earlier observations, stuck with her. Deep in her heart, she knew they were both right, but what if it was too late?

Before she could allow her thoughts to continue in a dark direction, she heard shouts coming from the direction of the trail. She looked up and saw two figures emerging from the darkness, and she immediately recognized one of them. She ran down the stairs of the porch and toward him, calling to him.

"Adam!"

"Jane!"

He stumbled toward her and they fell into each other's arms and hugged each other with all their strength.

'Adam, what happened? Are you ok?"

"I'm ok. Yeah, really. Ryan helped me out."

An unfamiliar man approached the couple. "I was lost, too. Never should've been out here."

Those in the ranger station had heard the commotion and raced outside. Adam released Joan and moved to hug his father and Grace. Ryan took a step closer to Joan.

"So you're Joan!"

"Yeah."

"I was wondering why he wanted me to go hiking on a day like this."

"What? Who?"

Ryan was looking at something over her shoulder. Joan followed his line of sight, then looked back at him, shocked to see he was glaring at Ranger God. God looked back at him before getting into a pickup truck. When Joan looked back toward Ryan again, he had begun to walk away.

"Who are you?"

"Ryan Hunter. See you around, Joan."

Before she could begin to process this strange event, her attention was brought back to Adam as EMT's began to attend to him. She tried to get near him, but one of the rangers pushed her back as a stretcher was brought out.

"Let me though. I wanna be with him", she protested.

"Let's let the paramedics do their job, miss", the ranger replied.

"No, I wanna be with him", she repeated.

Will moved from Adam's side to his daughter's as her voice began to rise.

"Daddy, what's going on? What's wrong with him?"

"They're going to take him to the hospital to treat him for exposure. But he'll be ok, honey."

"I wanna go with him." Joan moved toward the ambulance as Adam was loaded inside.

Will gently pulled her back as Carl got in with his son. "I know you do, but you can't right now."

"But, Daddy – "

"You wouldn't be able to see him tonight anyway. We'll take you to see him tomorrow, I promise."

Joan watched helplessly as the ambulance pulled away with its lights flashing. She crumbled into tears once again. "But I need to talk to him. And I want to tell him I love him."

"He knows, honey", Will attempted to assure her as he held her to him. "Come on. Let's go home."

* * *

After dropping Grace off at her house, Will and Joan finally arrived home. Helen met them at the door and looked at Will with alarm when she noticed her daughter crying brokenly. 

"Will, is Adam – "

"He's going to be fine. Joan's just exhausted."

Helen pulled Joan into a warm hug. "Come on, sweetheart. Let's get you into bed."

Once Joan had gotten into her pyjamas and crawled into her bed, Helen sat down next to her and wiped some of her tears away.

"I can't s-stop crying."

"You've had a terrible night. But everything's ok now. You heard your father. Adam's going to be just fine."

Will came in then, with a mug of tea and two small white pills in his hand. "Here you go, honey. These will help you sleep."

Joan took them without protest and lay down with her mother rubbing soothing circles on her back. It wasn't long before she fell asleep. After watching his sleeping daughter for a moment and giving her a kiss, Will took his wife's hand and they walked to their own room.

"Is Adam really ok, Will?" Helen asked as they got into bed.

"I think so. Other than being half frozen."

"Do you think he tried to hurt himself?" she asked, remembering the phone call from Will earlier that night.

"I don't know. He didn't seem suicidal when I spoke to him. There seems to be something going on with him, though. Carl said he's been acting pretty distant lately."

"Maybe I'll try talking to him. I can usually get through to him."

"Sounds like a good idea." Will looked at the clock and groaned as the digital numbers changed to 4:00 am. The alarm would be going off in just two hours. "Oh, it's gonna be a long day…" He wrapped his arms around Helen and drifted off to sleep.

TBC...

* * *

A/N: How's this for a quicker update? I'm still deciding exactly where this story is going to go, but I think it is going to go beyond the end of season 2. But I still need feedback! Constructive criticism is a great help. 


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I'm still having trouble with this story, but I'm going to try to get back to work on it. This is a pretty short chapter, a little something to tide you over until I get the next one put together. But please review!

* * *

Awareness came slowly to Joan several hours later. Her head felt foggy and heavy, and her room was far too bright for morning. Squinting against the sunlight filtering in through the curtains, she looked at the clock on her bedside table and was shocked to see that it was almost 1:00 in the afternoon. After a few minutes, she laboriously rolled her body out of bed and trudged down the back stairs to the kitchen in search of something to drink.

Helen looked up from the paper she was reading when she heard heavy footsteps on the stairs. "Hey, honey. Can I fix you something to eat?"

"Huh?"

Helen bit back a smile when she saw how disoriented Joan was and steered her toward a chair. "I'll make you some breakfast, then you can take a shower and we'll go visit Adam. Ok?"

It took a couple of seconds for her mother's words to register, and with that the memories of the previous night and early morning rushed back to her. She stood up quickly - a little too quickly - and had to grab the edge of the table for support as the room seemed to tilt and her vision went hazy. Helen was next to her in an instant, sitting her back down in the chair and gently guiding her head down toward her knees. After her head stopped spinning so much, Joan tried to get up again although Helen tried to stop her.

"Just sit still for a moment."

"But Adam –"

"He's doing fine. His father called just a little while ago."

"I want to go see him now."

"Not until you eat something. Dinner last night was a long time ago, and you'll be sick if we don't get some food into you."

Joan couldn't argue, as she still felt a bit woozy, and grudgingly acquiesced to her mother's wishes.

Less than an hour later, Joan had eaten, showered, dressed and was in the car as Helen drove them toward the hospital. She thought her mother was driving entirely too slow, but she knew better than to say anything. Besides, it didn't matter how fast the car went since it couldn't have kept pace with her thoughts anyway. Questions and worries were bouncing around the inside of her head like pinballs. Had Adam tried to hurt himself? Why had he lost his job? And why didn't he come to her about it? Was her secrecy about God part of the reason?

Before she knew it, they were parking at the hospital. Joan was eager to see Adam, yet hesitant at the same time. Maybe it was because she was at a hospital. She hated hospitals. Her stomach was a ball of nervousness as she rode the elevator to the floor Adam's room was on, and she began to seriously doubt the wisdom of eating the scrambled eggs Helen had made for her. She entered Adam's room cautiously, trying desperately not to picture Judith in her hospital bed as she saw Adam lying in his. She was vaguely aware of her mother greeting Mr. Rove and the two of them exiting the room as she approached Adam's bed. He opened his eyes and smiled a little when he saw her.

"Jane, you're here", he said softly.

That was all it took to start the waterworks up anew as she went to sit on the bed next to him.

"Don't cry, Jane. I'm ok."

"Why'd you go out there in that weather, Adam?"

"I was just trying to get some time to myself. I never thought about the rain."

"I was really scared. 'Cause I thought..."

"What?"

"You know..."

"No. No. No, I could, I could never do that to you. I'm sorry, Jane."

"Why didn't you tell me about your job?"

"I, I couldn't. I was ashamed I'd messed things up."

"Does this have to do with that special project?"

"Yeah." It had everything to do with his 'special project', but he didn't know what else to say.

"I was so scared I'd lost you. I don't know what I'd do without you. I can't, I can't -" Sobs cut off her voice then, and she buried her face into the crook of his neck and cried.

Adam hugged her and stroked her hair, trying to comfort her as he sighed to himself. Grace had come by earlier and told him that she hadn't said anything about Bonnie, so he knew it was going to be up to him to tell Joan. But as he held her and felt the sobs shake her body and her tears against his neck, Ryan's words came back to him. _'It will just hurt her. You don't want to break her heart, do you?'_ Joan had endured enough heartache over the past year, couple of years really, and finding out about him and Bonnie would just add to it. And Adam couldn't stand the thought of what the look on her face would be if she found out about his betrayal. Maybe Ryan was right, and Joan never needed to know.

In a moment of irony, as Adam considered retaining his secret, Joan was considering disclosing hers. Maybe the time had come to tell Adam that she was still talking to God. She couldn't get what Grace had said out of her mind. '_People who keep secrets, Girardi… It keeps people away.'_ And maybe this was part of what God was talking about with all that "common thread" stuff. She didn't think now was the right time, but once things settled down a bit, she had to figure out a way to tell him.


End file.
